Long time no see

“No matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away" - Haruki Murakami

Some moments echo forever, for better or worse. I often think of moments where I missed or neglected opportunities to connect with loved ones, both literally and/or figuratively. When those people are gone, either by death or circumstantial departure, those memories can be haunting. Compounded with grief and guilt, it’s hard to hear anything else other than those echoes.

I spent years planning on reconnecting with an old friend. There was sporadic messaging back and forth, nearly managing to coordinate a handful of times. We even came close once when we found ourselves in nearby places on the opposite side of the world at the same time. We never managed. There were never any real obstacles. As a matter of fact, over the course of the last ten years, we were likely in the same city once or twice a year (maybe even more). But we never managed. At least that’s the simplest way I can explain it to anyone who asks. But for me there’s a lot more to work out. I never managed, for layers and depths of reasons that are neither excuses nor defenses. Just reasons. But very real reasons that I have to contend with that contribute loudly to that eternal echo.

I got news that this friend unexpectedly passed away the other day. Though it had been so long since we last saw each other, the news felt unreal. I suppose in this new age where we see updates of each other’s lives on social media, people we’ve lost touch with still seem very much in our lives. What a blessing and a potential curse.

Over the years, I’ve thought about this friend often, was happy for his (immense) success that I read about, loved seeing his kids grow up through Facebook and Instagram updates, and was very much looking forward to seeing him again and hearing about all of his success and meeting his children. It’s so simple, but we don’t always realize it. Thinking and wondering about someone, looking forward to seeing them… this is what it means to miss someone. .

We were barely adults when we last saw each other and now I find myself thinking about all that must have happened since then. Things you can’t convey in an Instagram post but can share flawlessly without words over a meal and some laughter or some affirming nods. Things like growth and gratitude, admiration and appreciation, depths of happiness or sadness… So much time sneaks by. You don’t get this time back

I miss my friend dearly.